Anymore
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: My tears are no longer waiting. Oh, and my resistance ain't that strong. My mind keeps recreating a love with you alone. And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore.


My second attempt at a postep for the wonderful Dead Doll/Living Doll. (which by the way, I have yet to see, so if anyone can help me out there...) This time I wondered what would happen if, instead of having been together already for two years, they were still dancing around the oh so obvious. So try to imagine that none of that 'coming out' in front of the group happened. (Thank God for clips from Youtube) The song I chose for this was the beautiful Travis Tritt song, I Don't Love You Anymore. If you can find it and listen while reading, I highly recommend it. It will rip your heart out. This is also my 296th story, so everyone who reviews gets a free plot bunny!

Disclaimer: Not mine!

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In his line of work, Gil Grissom had seen some horrible things. People murdering each other, starving children, best friends stabbing each other over video games... He often wondered how he even slept most nights. He knew a lot of people whom he worked with that didn't. He also knew that a lot of people were driven insane by it.

Somehow he trudged on, day after day of mindless depravity humans committed against other humans. He had learned long ago that to keep his sanity, he had to detach himself somehow. But it often backfired on him, straining a lot of relationships he had struggled to form with coworkers, friends, and the occasional girlfriend.

Then she had walked into his life, with her sweet smile and dark, inquisitive eyes. His heart had been lost from the moment she raised her hand and questioned him about nearly everything he had just said. He was smitten, but he didn't realize just how badly until later.

The only problem was that she was a student, and he had to go back to Las Vegas in three days. But it didn't stop him from forming a bond so deep with her that two years later, he called her and asked, no, begged for her help. Much to his relief and happiness, she had agreed, and within two days she showed up at a crime scene where he was throwing dummies off a building.

Over the next seven years, they had started this relationship of give and take. Except it was always her giving, and him taking. Never the other way around. She would take a step forward, and he would take one back. Even though she was always there for him, waiting for him, he was afraid. He was afraid of how he felt, of how strong his feelings for her were.

He couldn't risk that kind of hurt again. He had done an amazing job building walls to keep his heart safe, to keep anyone else out. And for years, it had worked. He was able to keep any woman who came along out of his vulnerable heart. Then she walked into his life, and the way she sent those walls crumpling scared him worse than any crime scene ever did.

_I can't hide the way I feel _

_About you anymore _

_I can't hold the hurt inside _

_ Keep the pain out of my eyes anymore_

He closed his eyes, unable to shake the fear that had his heart in its grip. For such a smart man, he was really stupid. She wanted him, and he wanted her. So what was his problem? Him. And now, it was going to cost him dearly.

If he lost her... He shook his head. He couldn't think like that. He just couldn't. She was strong, a survivor. She always had been, and she always would be.

The radio that Catherine was carrying suddenly crackled, and he felt the air rush from his lungs as Nick screamed into it, "We found her! We found Sara!" Not even bothering to wait for Catherine, he ran for the SUV and jumped into the driver's side. Catherine was right behind him, and as the engine roared to life, she directed him to the location Nick had given her.

As they pulled up, he could see the helicopter and medics surrounding something, and he jumped out of the car. _Let her be okay, let her be okay_, was his silent mantra as he and Catherine ran to the group.

When he saw her, it was as though he was suddenly underwater. He couldn't hear anything, and he couldn't see anything except her. Crouching down by her head, he ran his hand over his face to keep from getting in the way of the paramedics.

"We gotta move her now. Let's go!" one of the medics shouted over the deafening whir of the helicopter blades.

They started to move her, and suddenly he reached down, sliding his hands under her and moving her gently. He had to help, and at the same time, he didn't want them to touch her. With great care he helped them lift her and lay her gently on the stretcher. Then he ran alongside them, desperate to be close to her.

"Where are you taking her?" Catherine shouted, unable to hide the worry in her voice.

"Desert Palm!" came the reply as they carefully lifted Sara into the helicopter.

Grissom only hesitated for a moment before he shouted, "I'm going with her!"

The authority in his voice left no room for argument, and he quickly climbed in behind the paramedics.

As the paramedics quickly started working on saving the love of his life, he stared at her pale face. All he wanted was to see her eyes and see that she was going to be okay. How could he have been so stupid? He sighed heavily, blinking rapidly.

He didn't deserve her. He knew that. But if she would come back to him, he'd give her the one thing he'd denied her, the one thing that she wanted. Himself.

Carefully, almost as though he was afraid of breaking her, he reached out and wrapped his fingers around hers.

Finally her eyes cracked open, and Grissom felt his heart burst as her fingers moved in his. Unable to hide a smile, he gently squeezed her hand. She knew he was there, and she wasn't pulling away from him. At the moment, there was nothing more that he could ask for.

_My tears no longer waiting _

_My resistance ain't that strong _

_My mind keeps recreating _

_A life with you alone _

_And I'm tired of pretending _

_That I don't love you anymore_

She squeezed his hand weakly. Just seeing his name on his jacket and knowing he was there provided an amazing amount of comfort. She sighed quietly as something cool and soothing was laid on her forehead. Then she looked at him again. He looked so afraid, so lost, and she wanted to kiss away the fear in his eyes. But she was too weak to even lift her head, so she settled for squeezing his fingers again.

His smile widened fractionally as he lifted his other hand and held hers in both of his. If it took the rest of his life, he was going to show her just how much she meant to him, how much he loved her. She deserved so much better, but if she still wanted him, she had him. He would willingly give himself to her. He would give her the world, if that was what she wanted. She held his fragile heart in the palm of her small, soft hand.

She always had.

GSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSR

Later that night, when he was finally allowed into Sara's room, he almost felt as though he was trespassing. Very quietly he eased into the room, determined not to disturb her rest. He quietly stepped up to the bed and studied her features with a great sadness.

Her face was still terribly pale, and her soft brunette hair was fanned around her head on the pillow. Thankfully there weren't too many machines around the bed, which meant that she wasn't injured enough to need too much attention and help. She was fighting to come out of this alive, and he was determined to help her.

Silently he sat down in the chair beside her bed. Her eyes remained closed, and he hesitated before reaching out and resting his large, calloused hand over her smaller hand. Her skin was wonderfully warm and soft, and he prayed it would stay that way.

He couldn't lose her.

She stirred in the bed and groaned softly after he had been sitting by her bed and thinking for a while. The soft noise made his heart ache.

Immediately he let go of her hand and reached out, brushing the back of his fingers against her burnt and bruised cheek. "Shh, Sara..." he murmured after a moment of silence.

She whimpered softly, leaning into his soothing hand.

He continued to caress her cheek, keeping his touch light and soft. "It's okay."

A tear slid down her cheek, and he caught it on his finger, tenderly wiping it away. He hated to see her cry, and he hated even more when he was the cause of it. He only ever wanted to see her smile, to hear her laugh. He would give up his own life if it meant she would never have to feel any pain again.

There was no one who could hold a candle next to her in his heart. And he didn't want anyone else. He was only sorry that it had taken him so long to realize it, and that she had suffered because of it. His thumb continued to lightly caress her skin, soothing her.

His heart was hers. It had been for nine years, and it would as long as it beat within him.

_Let me make one last appeal _

_To show you how I feel _

_About you _

_Cause there's no one else I swear _

_Holds a candle anywhere _

_Next to you_

He moved the chair closer to the head of her bed. She was still restless, and he blamed himself. If he had been with her, none of this would have happened. She would be safe at home, worrying about having to go into work tonight. Not lying in a hospital bed. His hand moved from her cheek to her hair.

Her eyelashes fluttered against her pale skin. There was a soft hand running over her hair, and a soothing voice whispering to her. Was she dead? She had to be. There was no way she had gotten out of that desert alive. Then she heard the steady monotone sound of a heart monitor near her head. If she was dead, why would there be a heart monitor? Her heart wouldn't be beating.

Leaning closer, he started to massage her scalp with his fingertips. "Shh, Sara..."

_Gil_... She turned her head toward his voice, but instantly regretted the movement. A soft moan escaped her dry and unused throat.

He nodded, cupping her cheek in his hand tenderly. "It's okay. Just rest. You're safe now."

Her soft brown irises finally appeared, and his breath caught in his throat just as it had in the helicopter.

"Gil..."

He nodded, sniffling. "Yeah, I'm here. Just... try to sleep." His fingers resumed caressing her cheek. "You need it."

Her eyes closed for a moment. "H-Heaven...?" If she did believe in some kind of afterlife, this would definitely be it. Him, her and a bed.

He was startled by the question, and to reassure her that she was in fact alive, he reached down and squeezed her hand. "No, not Heaven. You're at Desert Palm hospital, and they're taking very good care of you." He had seen to that himself, and he defied anyone to try to make him leave her side.

She weakly squeezed his hand. Her strength was fading fast, but knowing that Grissom was there with her took away some of the pain. Her eyelids drifted shut.

He sighed quietly, gently lifting her hand and resting his head against her fingers. "I'm sorry, Sara..." he whispered, closing his eyes.

She was fading fast, but she heard him. She didn't blame him, but it was obvious that he blamed himself. She'd have to work on that later. Her fingers squeezed his again just before she gave in to the looming, painless darkness.

He watched her after she fell asleep, still holding her hand against his scruffy cheek. She looked so small, so defenseless in the hospital bed, and he knew right then that he had to protect her. She needed him to keep her safe, and he was the only person he trusted to do that.

Sighing softly, he kissed her hand, then laid it gently on her abdomen. After only a moment's hesitation, he leaned forward in the chair, until his head was on the pillow beside hers. Then he draped his arm across her chest, holding her securely as he pressed his head closer to hers.

He couldn't do this anymore. Something deep in his soul called out to her, something that desperately needed her. And he couldn't keep ignoring it and pretending that he didn't care about her like he knew he did.

_My heart can't take the beating _

_Of not having you to hold _

_A small voice keeps repeating _

_Deep inside my soul _

_It says I can't keep pretending _

_That I don't love you anymore_

As he watched her sleep peacefully, he watched her closely, only tearing his gaze away long enough to check the machines that surrounded her bed. Everything continued to remain normal, reassuring him that she was right there with him.

Eventually he realized that he wasn't close enough to her, and he looked around. Then he slowly stood up, his weary bones screaming in protest as he carefully lowered his exhausted body onto the bed with her. Turning onto his side, he carefully slid his arm under her neck, cautious not to disturb her.

When she continued to sleep, he slowly took her hand and threaded his fingers through hers, then rested both of their hands just over her beating heart. The steady thrumming of her heart made his own soar.

For the past two days, he hadn't slept, and finally it was catching up to him. But he couldn't think of a better way to fall asleep. And if he told her how he felt, maybe he could fall asleep like this every night. Just holding her... He carefully nuzzled his head against hers and inhaled deeply.

She stirred against him, making a soft noise that had him suddenly wide awake. "Shh... Go back to sleep, honey." He was surprised at how easily the words fell from his lips as he started to stroke her hair.

After a moment she settled down again, snuggling into him. It was as if, even in the deepest recesses of sleep, she knew he was there with her. That he was keeping her safe and loving her.

Suddenly emboldened, he leaned over and lightly kissed her hot cheek. He had a chance, and he was going to take it. Or he would lose her and spend the rest of his life wondering what could have been.

_I've got to take the chance _

_Or let it pass by _

_If I expect to get on _

_With my life_

When Sara stirred from sleep again, the first thing she was aware of was the hot breath against her cheek. For a moment she was very confused, and then she heard the slow, steady monotonous sound of the heart monitor. Shifting a little, she nearly panicked when she couldn't move much. Forcing her eyes open, she realized that she wasn't alone in the bed.

Gil was pressed tightly against her, with his arm draped over her chest and his nose buried in her hair. She smiled and shifted her head slightly until she could see his face.

Even in his sleep he looked worried, and she couldn't help gently prying her hand away from his and caressing his stubbled cheek with it.

This was the last thing she had expected to awaken to, but it was absolutely amazing. Just being in his arms took her mind off of the worst of the pain, but it also let her mind wander to things it probably shouldn't. She wanted him, but she was still uncertain about where he stood on it. Though if she were only going by what she was looking at right now, she would be certain that he wanted to be with her.

He muttered something in his sleep, tightening his grip on her.

She sighed softly and continued to run her fingers over his cheek. "Shh, Gil..." His name rolled off of her tongue so naturally, and it felt so right. "Shh..." She wanted to fight off his nightmares, but she didn't know how. So she continued to whisper reassurances to him and stroke his cheek.

"Sara..."

Her chocolate eyes shot open, and cerulean eyes stared back at her. Slowly her lips curled up in a sweet smile. "Hey..." She was suddenly unexplainably afraid that he would get up and walk out that door.

He blinked slowly. She was awake, and he was curled up with her like a small child. Everything in him screamed at him to get up and leave, but he fought it. Instead he gently freed his hand and laid his palm against her soft cheek. "Hi..."

Her eyelids drifted shut at his sweet touch. "Mm..."

He shuddered at the soft sound. "Sara..."

"Hmm...?"

He took a deep breath. It was now or never. "I... I care about you... a lot..." His cheeks flushed noticeably. "More than I probably should."

She slowly opened her eyes. "I care about you, too."

His breath hitched in his throat. "But... I think... I..." He stumbled over his words, not for the first time since he had met her. She had never lost that ability to affect him like that.

She suddenly laughed quietly, wincing at the pain in her body. "Grissom... Gil, don't give yourself a heart attack," she whispered.

He finally found his voice again. "I love you."

For nine years she had wanted to hear those words from him, and now that she had, she couldn't form a coherent response. Didn't that just figure?

At her silence, he frowned, worried. "Sara..." He started to pull back.

She shook her head, holding him tighter. "I love you, too, Gil."

A wave of relief that he had never felt before crashed into him, and before he realized what he was doing, he leaned forward and crushed his lips against hers.

She groaned softly, tangling her fingers in his thick hair. For a man, he had incredibly soft hair. And for a moment, she briefly envisioned them at home in their bed and playing with his hair again.

When he finally pulled away, he rested his head against hers, closing his eyes and looking incredibly content.

She ran her tongue over her lips, exhaling deeply. "Gil..."

He cracked one eye open. "I know." He cupped her cheek in his hand and cuddled closer to her, caressing her bruised skin with great care. "We can talk about this later. Sleep." He kissed her forehead sweetly.

Slowly she nodded, yawning deeply. "I love you."

"Love you, too." He gently pulled her closer, not relaxing completely until she was sleeping peacefully in his arms.

_My tears no longer waiting _

_Oh, and my resistance ain't that strong _

_Oh, my mind keeps recreating _

_A love with you alone _

_And I'm tired of pretending _

_I don't love you anymore, anymore_

Outside of the room, Catherine, Nick, Greg, Warrick, and Brass were crowded around the window that peered into Sara's room. They all saw Grissom in the bed with her, and Catherine couldn't help hugging Warrick as Grissom kissed Sara and held her closer.

"I think she's going to be fine," Brass stated confidently after everyone exchanged excited and relieved hugs. "You guys should go home and get some rest."

Warrick slung an arm around his shoulder. "And you."

Catherine, Nick and Greg laughed warmly.

Hanging his head in mock defeat, Brass nodded.

The group slowly moved away from the window as, inside of Sara's room, Grissom kissed a sleeping Sara's head and whispered, "I love you."

_Anymore_

The End

A/N: Woo hoo! Like I said, I've never seen Dead Doll/Living Doll in it's entirety. Stupid Spike has this thing about playing two parters and season finales/premieres. Otherwise I would have been all over that. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed this, and remember: everyone who reviews gets a plot bunny! *hands out bunnies* Thanks for reading!


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